Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
