note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
