I haven't been this sober since birth.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
