Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
