I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
