the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
