Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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