So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
