You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
