Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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