i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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