I think I won the penis lottery.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
