my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
