Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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