I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
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Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FOUND THE LEGS
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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