My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
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He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.