when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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