you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
