ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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