Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
