I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
