Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
