Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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