you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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