PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
