he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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