Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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