I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
