yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
