Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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