I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
there was a trapeze. enough said
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
