hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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