Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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