nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize