I'm passing your future prison.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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