I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
