My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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