I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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