Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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