You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
