I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
