I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
