Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
