Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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