She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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