I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Randomize
