forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
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My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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