thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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