apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
