Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
