You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
