theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
