like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
