I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
