Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
